Friends and Family

From time to time there is an online discussion about who should you accept as a friend on facebook and my answer is one I saw given once, that it is someone I would welcome into my home.

There are of course my friends that have nothing to do with my work; my family, neighbours from the past and friends from my church, but this post is about those I meet through my travels and role in the Oracle community.

My friendship definition doesn't mean I always know the people that well, it means that they interest me and I would like to explore that further and would welcome them into my life. I haven't always been like that, my daughter taught me a very valuable lesson a few years ago when she showed me how shallow I was. She came with me to a conference in Finland and not being in IT the conversations she had with everyone were about them. As the week progressed I realised she knew far more about my 'friends' than I did. I only knew their professional side. now I hope I look beyond that and get to know the real person. I wrote about how humbling that is and some of the truly inspirational people I count as friends today.

One of my best friends today is Lisa, a girl I work closely with and I knew NOTHING about her. Another friend described her and I made the effort to really talk to her. How close I came to missing out on this very special friendship.

I am also a worrier and one thing I worry about is do my friends think the same about me? Earlier in my life I remember having so called friends who when I met their wives (I have always worked in a male dominated world) they played the friendship down. A few times that really hurt, did it mean they were shallow, or were their own relationship with their wives that fragile they were threatened by having female friends? So as  a worrier that has always been my yardstick for a friendship.

When my marriage failed, I turned to my friends and have had so much support, but not being married made me worry about being a problem. Perhaps again I was being too simplistic, I haven't changed, I have always been a 'touchy feely' person, but I still think a marriage or any committed relationship is sacrosanct and would never overstep that mark. Luckily I have learnt that my friends aren't shallow and that their friendships are true.

My work that allows me to travel, means I do meet a lot of their families who sometimes travel as well, and I am so blessed by this, and I don't expect they know just how much that means to me. Then there is facebook, I often say why I like facebook so much and yet another thing it gives me is the ability to meet their families in a virtual setting, and that takes away much of that 'hidden friendships' I worry about.

I found this photo a few weeks ago, it was taken more than two years ago. In both cases, I first met their wives via facebook and have since been a guest in both their homes. In the second case just a few months ago in person, although we once had a facebook conversation about ovens. Never underestimate how much this means to me. I have other friends whose families I know only through facebook and hope I will get the opportunity to meet.

At this start of a new year I, like most people look back, and I would say 2010 has been a very special year. Yes I had two big setbacks, I was divorced and later lost my mother suddenly, but I also felt the love and support of my friends. In fact I went to visit a very special friend just a few days after my mum died and was given the strength to go on. When I returned home there were many cards at my house and as I put them on the mantelpiece there were 3 special photos there; my daughter who is my world, a picture with me with traditional but no less important friends from Guernsey,  and a similar one to this of me with 3 of these special friends I have met through work. I have met all their partners over the years.I took great comfort from these pictures.

So don't read this and think 'she needs help', I don't I have all the help and support I need from my friends. Real friends and I thank them for letting me into their lives at whatever level and pray that in some small way I can repay them.

Goodbye Mum and Thank You

I loved my mum, but we were not close, or perhaps we were just too similar. We never seemed to agree on anything and I felt I never measured up to what she wanted. I couldn't wait till I could leave home and I did so at 16, going out to work to make it possible.

It sounds like I didn't like her but that isn't true, I loved her we just couldn't live together. Once I had left home we got on fine, and in fact just afterwards my mum was in hospital and my dad and sisters had moved to Gloucester and I saw her more than anyone else. I thought I was doing it out of duty but she loved me for it and I know she still talked about it.

When my dad died she was devastated and she did come and visit me often and she loved Brooke her first grandchild. When we as a family moved just a few doors away from my mum, I thought everything would be OK, but it was like when I was a child again, we were too close, physically and mentally.

Brooke loved her and they often travelled together to Singapore where we have family. Over time we moved to N Ireland and mum would come visit, I would look forward to her visits but as soon as she arrived I would be checking her return flight time

So we loved each other but were not close. I think she wanted me to achieve the things she wanted to do but put her family first. I know she was very proud of what I have achieved and especially proud of Brooke.

When she was taken ill a year ago, I found it very difficult to visit, I would sit on her bed in the hospital or in her flat and not be able to say anything. I wanted to, I rehearsed what I would say but I couldn't say anything. My sister tells me she didn't mind she just wanted me there.

Her being ill was terrible and it made me reassess my life and take the step to do something about my weight which had in the past played such a big thing with her health. I would visit, say nothing  and then spend hours crying afterwards. When she became housebound at the end of last year I bought her a PC knowing how much they can help those who feel cut off. Again she frustrated me and would hardly ever use the Internet but she loved playing games on it, things that kept her mind active.

In July there was an occasion when I could have visited and decided not too, I was very tired and didn't feel I could visit. I apologised and she said it was OK, but I found out she was very upset. I sat down and poured my heart out to her in a letter and then the following week went to see her and we had a good talk and a good cry.

I thank my God that when she died last week, I was close by and able to get home quickly, but I thank him even more that we were at peace together. I also thank him for my friends and for Brooke who helped me get through the last 10 days.

Goodbye mum, I love you.

A New Experience

I have horrible feet, hard and dry and spend a fortune in creams to keep them acceptable. My ex husband used to call them my hoofs; he was always such a charmer. Anyway I have found a new way to treat them and I love it.

I was recently in Singapore and whilst walking around Holland village I saw this advertised. I had heard about it and thought 'Why Not - let's give it a try'. So in I went.

A fish pedicure! lots of little fish that nibble your feet. I know it is starting to reach the modern world but apparently the Chinese have used them for ever.

At first I was very nervous but the disclaimer you sign made me laugh so much:

Then after washing my feet the nerves returned and I very gingerly put my feet into the water. At first I was rigid with my shoulders hunched but after 5 -6 minutes I relaxed and then started to actually enjoy it. You can't really get a good idea from the photo as the flash goes off a split second before taking the picture and that frightens them off.

My feet felt great afterwards but I think I would love this for a girls' night out. Sitting around the pool with a good glass of wine having a great gossip.

The Joy Of Giving

A long time ago I wrote about my Silversurfers, a small group of residents in sheltered accommodation who I am supposed to be teaching computers. However teaching is pushing it a bit, it is far more about having fun now.

Unfortunately the people who run the accommodation have really tied down the network, and every time we try something new it is blocked, this is a real shame but we are working on it.

They are competent to use email and google, and they follow my blogs. If I am going away we have a look at where I am going and have a look around the hotels etc. Sometimes they even send me an email.

One lady Rita, has a sister in Australia and we have had a virtual walk up her street and you can almost see into her house. Her husband suffers from alzheimer's and lives in a home on the same site. She needed support and we searched for support groups locally and found one. She gave them a call and now not only did she go along to their meetings but they come and collect her.This would never had happened without the Internet

Another lady Jean, is very happy 'surfing' and has picked a few weekends away from the Internet, she still not happy to use the Internet with her credit card but more than happy to use it to plan.

The third lady Katie, is new, she had retired to Florida but recently returned, and she used to work in the local library and was already a computer user but we need to start all over again, she uses hotmail for her email account and unfortunately hotmail is one of the sites they are locked out off.

Over Christmas the first two ladies have got themselves wee notepads and 'pay as you go' broadband. The sister in Australia is now ill and Rita wants to be able to talk to her, today we are successfully learnt to skype each other across the room.

Last week we looked at the iphone and they had a conversation with a friend of mine from Scandinavia, this really opens up the world for them and widens their view of the world.

They love following Stanley and I brought him in once and they love it. When I blogged about them they were over the moon.

What do I get out of this? I feel I am giving something back and enjoy seeing them feel part of the modern world. If you get the opportunity to do something like this, take it, you will feel better about yourself and you make a real difference to them. Also they always greet me with a lovely cup of tea and a bun.

Say Goodbye

Two years ago today I thought my world had ended when my husband left me. I kept a diary for the first 2 weeks and when I reread that I think how did I come through it?

Well I did and although it has not been easy and I have relied on my faith, my friends, my sister and especially my daughter, thrown myself into my job and I have made it to this anniversary.

Brooke sent me a book from Australia a few months back, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert , in this book a recently divorced woman goes travelling to 'find herself', she Eats her way through Italy, Prays in a retreat in India and then goes off to find love. The book is hundreds of incidents and I have almost reached the end of the Pray section. A few nights ago I read about her saying goodbye to her marriage, letting go of the hate and freeing herself up for the future. (Chapter 60).

So today I did the same, I didn't go to India, but took a drive along the coast and stopped by the sea and said goodbye, then I drove towards home and stopped again at Carnfunock. I bought an ice cream and sat on the verge and look out at the horizon. I couldn't see what was beyond, but I know there is somewhere and that is how I feel. I don't know what my future is but it is out there beyond the horizon.

Walking along the waters edge I picked up a large pebble, it stood out because it has history in it, lines like marble, and when I picked it up the bottom was covered in mud from the high tide. I brushed off the sand (more like mud) and as it dried I realised the pebble reflects me. There will always be the history of my marriage which makes me who I am, and now I have brushed off the hurt I am free to continue on.

I sat back down and meditated on this great feeling of 'moving on' when I heard a couple of motorcycles on the road behind me. Not that unusual, it is a lovely Sunday afternoon and the coast ride is a favourite for bikers, but this bike was a Harley and my husband (soon to be X) has a Harley and unbelievably he and another bike rode past.

He wouldn't have seen me and I am glad, real proof that he has 'ridden off out of my life' and I have survived.

You may call it just an amazing coincidence but to me it was a sign from my God

Ashamed of Where I Live

For the last 14 years I have lived in N Ireland, in a small village 18 miles outside of Belfast.

It is a beautiful place and I love it. I moved just after the first ceasefire of 'The Troubles' in April 1996 and despite many concerns of my friends around the world I have not personally seen any trouble.

I know there are still pockets but in general compared to big cities in England which have their own issues with knife and gun crime, this is a great place to live.

But today I am ashamed to admit I live here. How can people think it is acceptable to racially attack a group of people. The violence towards the Romanian community in Belfast is totally unacceptable.

I have heard it may be over a football match where N Ireland lost to Poland and so animosity is to all Eastern Europeans. I can't believe this but then a few weeks ago we had a murder over a Celtic / rangers match.

N Ireland is now a tourist destination, economic investment is good and we are slowly rebuilding our reputation, only to have it spoilt by a few idiotic individuals.

When reunions go bad…

My father was in the army and often away. I would miss him terribly and the anticipation of seeing him again would be indescribable, but when he came home and not long after the hugs and kisses, the walking on eggshells would begin. The pent up emotion made everyone on edge and then it was so easy for him or us to do something silly that would result in a falling out.

You would think that once I learnt this I would be able to avoid it, but no, every time. It is a well known phenomena and the army do talk about it to the troops especially after being away for active service.

My daughter on the other hand has a problem with saying goodbye. My best friend has a daughter the same age and the girls are also have a great bond, but every time the spend time together they fall out juts before it is time to say goodbye, regardless of how long they have spent together. My daughter hates to say goodbye and would rather manufacture a fight.


So what do these two sides of our characteristics have to do with me today? Next weekend I see my daughter for the first time since the New Year and we will only have 4/5 days together. The first few days I will try not to upset her or get upset and then we will try not to fall out.

The problem is if we are both trying too hard to avoid this will we actually relax enough to enjoy ourselves and have fun?

I hope so, I love her