Saturday, 9 October 2010

Goodbye Mum and Thank You

I loved my mum, but we were not close, or perhaps we were just too similar. We never seemed to agree on anything and I felt I never measured up to what she wanted. I couldn't wait till I could leave home and I did so at 16, going out to work to make it possible.

It sounds like I didn't like her but that isn't true, I loved her we just couldn't live together. Once I had left home we got on fine, and in fact just afterwards my mum was in hospital and my dad and sisters had moved to Gloucester and I saw her more than anyone else. I thought I was doing it out of duty but she loved me for it and I know she still talked about it.

When my dad died she was devastated and she did come and visit me often and she loved Brooke her first grandchild. When we as a family moved just a few doors away from my mum, I thought everything would be OK, but it was like when I was a child again, we were too close, physically and mentally.

Brooke loved her and they often travelled together to Singapore where we have family. Over time we moved to N Ireland and mum would come visit, I would look forward to her visits but as soon as she arrived I would be checking her return flight time

So we loved each other but were not close. I think she wanted me to achieve the things she wanted to do but put her family first. I know she was very proud of what I have achieved and especially proud of Brooke.

When she was taken ill a year ago, I found it very difficult to visit, I would sit on her bed in the hospital or in her flat and not be able to say anything. I wanted to, I rehearsed what I would say but I couldn't say anything. My sister tells me she didn't mind she just wanted me there.

Her being ill was terrible and it made me reassess my life and take the step to do something about my weight which had in the past played such a big thing with her health. I would visit, say nothing  and then spend hours crying afterwards. When she became housebound at the end of last year I bought her a PC knowing how much they can help those who feel cut off. Again she frustrated me and would hardly ever use the Internet but she loved playing games on it, things that kept her mind active.

In July there was an occasion when I could have visited and decided not too, I was very tired and didn't feel I could visit. I apologised and she said it was OK, but I found out she was very upset. I sat down and poured my heart out to her in a letter and then the following week went to see her and we had a good talk and a good cry.

I thank my God that when she died last week, I was close by and able to get home quickly, but I thank him even more that we were at peace together. I also thank him for my friends and for Brooke who helped me get through the last 10 days.

Goodbye mum, I love you.